So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
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I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
Axl Rose: welcome to the jungle
The jungle: please stop bringing people here
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
Child: I’m bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Child: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Child: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Child: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Child: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
caveman inventor: i just invented the wheel
caveman opinion writer: here’s how the wheel is a bad idea for mankind
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.