So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
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My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people