Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Other than that, Carrie, how was the prom?

Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels

I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.

She might be a genius

PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.

Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.

My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?

I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.

[after bowling]

Me: that was fun

Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball

Me: it helps me aim

[later in bed]

Me: *whispering* bo-

Her: -no

”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer

oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun

So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.

Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*

Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*

Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?

#TrueStory

when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour

[house hunting]

Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!

Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!

Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite

Me (acing this date):

For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.

My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.

Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise

wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot

While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.

When I laugh on my period

I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives

I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz

Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?

Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed

That chalk outline really brings out your dead eyes

One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.

i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg

Me: *giggling* No, you hang up

Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls

I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.