Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: we sure have one great kid

WIFE: we have two kids

ME: yes we do

I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.

In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.

After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.

[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.

A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.

(Vegan zombie)

“Mmmm ….. grains”

The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”

QUESTIONNAIRE

Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] No

X

coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator

Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.

After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.

The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed

A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”

Genie: for your first wish?

Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.

Genie: done, and for your second?

Me: you can go I’m good.

what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??

My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.

I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.

I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.

Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10

Greek yogurt should have Greek names.

“What flavor you got?”

“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”

Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.

You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.

[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle

[son falls over & hurts himself]

ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC

WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?

ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?

*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”

5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?

Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?

5:

Me:

5: I’ll borrow another dollar.

I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.

5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.

Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.

It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.

Seeing a lot of posts about “rawdogging a flight” but can we discuss those absolute weirdos who rawdog the movie theater?

No popcorn, no drink, just watching a movie for two hours. At least smuggle in some Twinkies under your jacket.