So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
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Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
greetings!
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
2022 will be better than 2021
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
Always 🥴