@SJSchauer

So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”

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@1_swarthy_dude

“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”

@buhsbaby_baby

When my dogs crawl into bed with me, I like to pretend it’s because they love me and not because I am sleeping in their dog bed on the floor

@robdelaney

Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.

@pleatedjeans

I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.

@__ariannalp

crap this virus is turning all the people into pigeons

#coronavirus

@SortaBad

*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”

@blade_funner

[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?

@lovemydogduck

I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”

@moxieblogger

If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.