So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”

You Might Also Like


“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”


When my dogs crawl into bed with me, I like to pretend it’s because they love me and not because I am sleeping in their dog bed on the floor


Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.


I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.


crap this virus is turning all the people into pigeons



*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”


[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?


I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”


If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.