“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
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Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
Its a hippotatomus
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
My 6yo lost his first tooth today and wants to know when the dentist is coming.
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-