Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Netflix: Are you still watching?

Me: Yes.

Netflix: Have you showered today?

Me: Um, I …

Netflix: And use soap this time.

Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.

HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”

Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there

The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”

Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.

Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.

To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.

Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.

Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …

Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.

Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?

Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.

that’s it, I’m firing that gardener

11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.

Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.

COVID-19: …

Alpha Variant: …

Delta Variant: …

Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!

So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*

Nothing happens

Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes

She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.

Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?

hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.

Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”

Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur

I left my lunch on my counter. I work an hour away from home. More upsetting than any breakup. Doodling a turkey sandwich in my notebook. What could’ve been.

Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.

Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.

Captain’s Log:

Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.

Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.

Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.

Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose

R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary

I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.

Why does Mommy always say no?

Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.

#Friyay