Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

skydiving instructor: is this your first time?

me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask

Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.

friend: i’m just going to date myself

me: you can do better

If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers

INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat

ME: omg was I supposed to bring one

Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?

Me: I LOVE STAR WARS

BF: which was your fav

Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone

The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.

Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.

Me too door. Me too.

Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas

best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets

i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made

[first day as waiter]

Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?

Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.

It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway

-inventor of the Biscotti

Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes

Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-

Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one

Me:

Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards

The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs

Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit

Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night

When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.

Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday

snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?

My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.

My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.

You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.

Expecting Parents,

PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.

Sincerely,
Marlana

Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then

Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?

Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?

Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.

Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.

Dentist: Do you floss?

Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough