Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”

Google: “No. That’s stupid.”

people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”

*gets in taxi*

Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.

Cabbie: Where to?

Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.

My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.

Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.

When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell

Donuts have holes in them just like acoustic guitars but that’s pretty much where the similarities end

Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.

I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.

I think the cat got the dog high.

Are kids ever okay at all?😂

EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.

“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”

WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?

ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools

How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?

RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband

I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”

My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs

*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*

My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.

I get badly burnt by the sun, hate garlic and can be killed by a wooden stake through the heart. I wonder if there is something my uncle Vlad never told me.

I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.

I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems

A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.

My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE

MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF

me: this water is not hydrating me.

wife: that’s because it’s tequila.

me: that explains why I’m naked

target cashier:

Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.

A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.

[IKEA-themed restaurant]

Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?