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a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
It’s nothing worse than accidentally becoming a important person at your job.
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
Real House Wines.
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
Establish dominance at work by telling your coworkers they look tired before they get a chance to say it to you
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend