You Might Also Like
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
Don’t hate me because I can fall asleep within seconds; hate me because I can sleep through the night without having to get up to go to the bathroom.
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
“Done the ad yet?”
“Yes, it’s already up.”
“Great. And you remembered the names of all the dinosaurs?”
“More or less”
Worth remembering.
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
This meeting could have been a cake
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
had to make it
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
if you want to gamble on sports you should have to go to a little room across town and talk to a stinky little man. there should be an aura of griminess about it. you should not be able to do gambling on your phone
anyone else like Italian cereal
