Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”

Just ordered me some pizza!

Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise

Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?

*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*

Me: Is anyone here with us?

T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E R

M: Oh my god! Mom!

How’s the parenting going over here?

My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”

My blood type is coffee.

I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew

Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!

I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.

Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.

You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.

I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.

I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.

whoops accidentally said I couldn’t make it before they even said the date

me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!

I attended a workshop yesterday on how to deal with election anxiety and we basically had to make a written plan and most people were like “stay off social media” and I said, “I won’t start fights in the comments”

Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling

the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope

#CatsOnTwitter

I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.

My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.

OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.

[spelling bee]

judge: your word is serendipity.

me: can you use it in a sentence.

judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.

everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares

Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches

Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.

Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.

Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉

#nofilter

How much for the sentient racist skeleton?

“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”

I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.