So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
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Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
A 20% discount sounds great until you realize you can’t afford the other 80%
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
Shout out to humans as bipedals, positively freakish the way our posture’s all straight up and vulnerable. Nobody in the game doin it like we do
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
“Your copier’s not working right. My copies all came out blank.”
“Looks like you ran them through wrong-side-up.”
“So, what, I need to flip them over?”
“Or we could turn the copier upside-down but that seems like a lot of work.”
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib