So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
You Might Also Like
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
No matter what’s going on in your life, there’s some form of potato that can make it better.
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
*exercises sarcastically*
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
Wait a second…
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am