Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“OMG why am I so sore?”

*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*

“Oh right.”

[Grocery store checkout]

Me: *cracks open a beer*

Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here

Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this

Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here

I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)

Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?

Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.

I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.

No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.

My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.

Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?

80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.

Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.

I hope google does well on my son’s test

How I flirt with my husband:

I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk

[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee

Hey man be careful on the trampoline one of my buddies never came back down

Cleaning out the fridge and doing dishes is cathartic. It is a perfect time to reflect and plot your revenge on every single person that has ever wronged you.

I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore

SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)

Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.

[David Attenborough voice]

And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.

Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours

Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.

I’ll be honest. I can’t solve your problems. What I can do is create new, bigger problems that will make your current problems seem quaint by comparison.

Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?

Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.

T:

Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…

Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.

Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.

Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.

Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone

ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?

ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.

The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.

Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?

*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light

[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting