Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.

The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.

This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby

Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.

Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually

*meets someone from France*

I’m a big fan of your toast!

Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.

Me: Thanks. I do yoga.

As a tree surgeon, the hardest part of my job is explaining to a patient they’ll never walk again.

Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind

computer: create username

me: liamneesonskid

computer: username has been taken

ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.

ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.

ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.

ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.

Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose

When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?

i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes

I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.

Captain’s Log:

Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.

Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.

*sells my soul*

Devil: I want a refund

me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?

son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn

Jake Paul just announced that he’s fighting my dead grandmother next.

[shark tank]

ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap

HOST: have you considered the bible belt

ME: yes we predict good sales there

when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible

my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it

Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.

Them: Question everything.

Me: Why?

People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.

them: are you with someone or are you alone?

me: *winks* who’s asking?

them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.

a designated hitter in baseball is the one who has to hit for everyone in case the team is drunk

A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.

today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more

I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer