So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
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Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
I wonder if Mary and Joseph hated putting away the Christmas stuff as much as I do
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
cause of death:
autopsy.
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
That’s commitment
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married