So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
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Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
Canada Post is increasing stamp prices for the third time in five years. It’s so bad, customers have threatened to start emailing.
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
the three branches of government
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
Pizza rolls are shaped like little pillows because you’re ready for a nap after eating 50 or 60 of them.
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that