So, who do I speak to about swapping out my nervous system for a chiller one?
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Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
“It’s still inside my pencil” is the best answer I’ve ever had from a first grader who was asked, “Where’s your journal writing?”
tad speechless. husband just woke me up from my football nap by holding a warm piece of pizza under my nose until the smell got me sniffing and twitching like a dog. “I can’t believe that worked”
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
