Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit

If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.

I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.

I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.

If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.

The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.

I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.

[God making humans]

*watches YouTube video*

“Okay, got it!”

jokes on you i can still tweet in a straitjacket

I have a photographic memory, but I’ve run out of film

Tried escaping the morning crazies by drinking my coffee on the patio but it turns out the morning crazies have legs and arms and they just followed me out there

[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”

Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead

This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.

I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.

“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco

[At the police station]

Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning

Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe

Cop: okay what

i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please

EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?

ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster

EARTH: great just checking

Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.

Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins

[Flat-earth expedition log]

Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.

I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”

I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.

& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.

I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.

If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine

I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.

NOBODY:

GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*

suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”

A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake

So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?