So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
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Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
Being a dog must be wild, everyone you meet is your masseuse
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
started the year single. ending the year single. consistency is key
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.