Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.

Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”

A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up

Not gonna lie it felt good

Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?

Diamond: rookie

merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king

arthur: oh, this sword?

merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?

arthur: table

merlin: what?

arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle

Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.

Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.

Pat is about to own someone

I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons

playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”

If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.

White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.

Ironic

[Jurassic Park]

JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!

ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island

JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs

Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.

What is a magic bullet?

A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy

I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.

so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans

“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late

“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late

“in traffic” = just got in a car

“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago

I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.

Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’

Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.

Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present

My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting

doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?

me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas

The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.

Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.

If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.

Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.

A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”