so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
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I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
You’re an adult. You can do what you want.
Wait…You have kids? Nevermind.
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
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I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
…& against the advice of everyone in the drum circle greg unsealed the pack of natural hemp paper & rolled the 7th blunt, summoning the four hippies of the hackey sackolypse
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
That’s “Mr. Human Scum” to you, buddy.
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.