Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?

me (hates gossip): no

Therapist: What’s the problem?

Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things

Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan

“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.

If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?

I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.

How your email finds me

[tightening roller skates]

“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”

I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.

I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.

Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.

Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom

@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.

[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow

NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…

…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.

I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.

Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.

A very blasé attitude by the stoic root vegetable in the face of its imminent death…

in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops

Penn and Teller is my favourite double act that sounds like 2 things you find in a bank

Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet

[breaking up yet another fight]

Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?

6-year-old: Because I always win.

Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.

Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?

I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!

Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?

ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*

DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream

This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas

Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.