“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
You Might Also Like
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
I’m soirée for my mispronunciation of French words.
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
Show me a better name for a sugar company.
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.