“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
You Might Also Like
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
For the first half of my life, I thought you could only poop at home. Now I know you can poop anywhere
– my 5yo, unprompted
moo deng still has yet to endorse a candidate and that’s so telling wow
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
Just why bro?!
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
Another day another dollar.
~ World’s slowest counterfeiter
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
Dead sexy!!
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
😂 amazing answer
