“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
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#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
I reached for the kitchen scissors and they weren’t there so someone is very very lucky this cheese opened on the tear line like it’s supposed to.
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
can’t bark with your mouth full
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
Me going back to a library branch I used to work at to pick something up
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.