So why is it that when Star Trek ‘boldly go where no one has gone before’ they always find someone there?
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the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
My ducks may not be in a row, but at least they’re having fun. Your ducks probably hate you for making them line up like that.
love to click “no borders” on my excel spreadsheets. like hell yeah brother. one world ✌️
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
In the early 70s the original members of Kansas broke up and tried to find work with another band, thus coining the famous phrase “Toto, I’ve a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore.”
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
3yo: I have counted my shoes. One, two.
Me: That’s right. For your two feet.
3yo: 😠 I want to have three feet.
Me: Buddy. Nobody has three feet.
3yo: YES THEY DO
Me: Where have you ever seen someone with three feet?
3yo, who has never been out of the country: IN 😤 ENGLAND 😤
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!