So why is it that when Star Trek ‘boldly go where no one has gone before’ they always find someone there?
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My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
*struts into the new year
~ trips
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
I hate everything
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.