Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.

[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.

Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.

What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation

And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”

This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead

After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.

Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die

When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.

To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.

Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!

Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island

I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……

clean window: [exists]

toddlers: what’s that taste like

Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?

This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬

[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.

Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.

I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue

For those of you wondering how many Reese’s cups you can eat without having a Reese’s cup hangover the next day, the answer is less than 18

I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.

tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy

God: Done

Angel: you can’t be finished

God: I am

Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-

God: aaand send

please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke

-hearing my dog about to puke

Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?

Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.

I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated

i hope all the people who have me blocked because i annoy them are mad as hell they have to read this shit again. hi.

I miss seein tweets like “last Christmas I gave you my heart, but the very next day, Guantanamo Bay” who did that one

Common sense: Walk away.

Me: No.