So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
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They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
Netflix: We have Less
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
💁🏻♂️
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
“Why you watching this shit?”
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
At my age, you check a friend’s FB page to make sure they’re still alive before wishing them a happy birthday.
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out