So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
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How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
Had to try this trend 😊
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
my kid has gone trick-or-treating in the same costume for 3 or 4 years in a row. no attempt to entertain the neighborhood, just punching the clock and taking their candy. 🫡
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
This probably isn’t good
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
My 9yo misses having a dog so I took her to the dog park. A dog owner came up to me to chat and asked “which one’s yours?”
I pointed to my daughter.
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.