Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels

He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.

I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.

I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.

I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.

*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”

[after winning scratch off ticket]

*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*

Me: This edible isn’t working.

Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.

I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..

That is the Aldi’s experience

ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.

SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?

ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?

SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.

ME: *nervously* Oh

*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*

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🍄 Convo at work today:

Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.

My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.

“You have such a great personality”

Me: Thanks, I collect them

I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”

Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?

Friend: we can do a mock interview

Me: ok

Friend: why should we hire you

Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu

was Jim off killing horses or…

My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.

Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it

Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.

Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?

whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.

14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?

Me: I had you when I was 24.

14: So we’re like 10 years apart.

idk what this dog had been going through but same

I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.

“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”

Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.

Toddler: hold my sippy cup

My kid told me that school today was “bad” and “sooo boring” and all because a teacher said he wasn’t allowed to catch lizards at recess

I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.

Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.

Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.