Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.

SON: What’re you doing?

ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!

SON: Cool

ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!

I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.

If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.

DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?

*takes you out several times then acts distant*

I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents

man’s car is covered in blood and tree leaves
Police officer: what’s with the blood?

Driver: I hit a lawyer

Police officer: that explains the blood, but what about the leaves?

Driver: I had to chase him through the park first

My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!

Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…

As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??

#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.

Luckily I was the one facing the TV.

i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them

Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again

bought wrong eggs

I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.

Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?

Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc

Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*

Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet

Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?

I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.

Bands are always like “here’s another song” yeah no shit that’s pretty much all you do

Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.

I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.

Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’

[news anchor]

“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”

*wife changes channel*

my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”

me as soon as i see the dogs:

shampoo implies shampee

I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless

Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.

Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?

Me: * climbs tree

Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*

A Pun enters a room and kills 10 people…

Pun in, ten dead

KNOCK KNOCK!
Who’s there?
*Note appears through letterbox* “We tried to deliver your parcel…”

Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.