So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
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What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
“And we shall call it Kansas City”
Cuz it’s in Kansas?
“No it will be located in Missouri.”
What will we call the neighboring city across the river?
“Kansas City, Kansas”
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.