Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.

THERAPIST: That’s horrible.

ME: Yeah.

THERAPIST:

ME:

THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?

Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.

I’ll stop now.

“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.

“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs

Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there

I’ve never seen a runner smiling.

So that’s all I need to know about that.

Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.

that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy

Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.

I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore

Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!

[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.

i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them

CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother

FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always

CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing

FAIRY GODMOTHER:

CINDERELLA:

FAIRY GODMOTHER:

CINDERELLA:

FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin

As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.

Friend: Call me when you wake up

[3 days later]

Me: Okay I’m up!

dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!

me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?

dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home

me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol

Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?

“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.

If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.

ME: I think I chipped a tooth

GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time

Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…

If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”

Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?

Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?

My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it

Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*

12. I think about this all the damn time

My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”

I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.

Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.

Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”