So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
You Might Also Like
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
only 11 steps left
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?