@Fred_Delicious

So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN

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@theshantilly

Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.

@pizzajaynow

People who only tweet inspirational stuff are the same people who reminded their school teacher about homework assignments.

@kyle_thatisall

I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.

@JizzleLizzle

Got so high last night we searched for my friend for half an hour while he helped us look

@junejuly12

Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.

@heatherlou_

If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.

@thenashleysays

the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”