So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN

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Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.


People who only tweet inspirational stuff are the same people who reminded their school teacher about homework assignments.


I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.


Got so high last night we searched for my friend for half an hour while he helped us look


Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.


If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.


the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”