Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[operating room]

NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…

NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now

[first day as a detective]

ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!

OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there

I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up

Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy

him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction

me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go

Me: this pot sucks

Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast

Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.

Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.

Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.

Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!

Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone

I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.

An unhealthy attraction to traffic cones develops as a result of too many microplastics in your diet and you start driving around looking for road construction just to feel the rush. Hey baby, you block lanes here often?

Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.

Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.

First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”

i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins

Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.

So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.

My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.

School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.

If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?

friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM and

me:
I’m already out.

Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.

New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.

Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.

You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother

There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given

I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.

“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀

If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath

The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.

[watching The Notebook]

Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year

Me: I bet each one just said, Hey