so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
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if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
love dating someone really offline because I can blatantly pass off various other people’s tweets as my own jokes
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
DHL: Hi! We popped by!
Me: No you didn’t
DHL: But there wasn’t anyone in!
Me: Yes there was
DHL: Would you like us to divert your parcel to a local service point?
Me: *Sigh* fine
DHL: Well we can’t!
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.