So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
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Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
Mi casa es su casa, where casa is not equal to the last beer in the fridge.
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
Scientist 1: I don’t care if you discovered it, we are not naming it THAT
Me: Naming what?
Scientist 2: You know what IT is.
Me: Ohhhh The Hugh ManateeScientists start rage screaming
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.