So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
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mandolin: finally a violin for men
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
#dalle2
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave