So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
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you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
When I was a kid I had to walk to Netflix
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
I don’t believe him.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
I’m taking a group of 9yos to the water park today. My wife said “just try not to lose any of em” if you’re wondering about her confidence in my parenting skills.
Anyway if anyone’s seen a boy in sponge bob swim trunks please let me know thanks.
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.