So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
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If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
Just had to take a urine sample to my GP and at reception they asked me “does the doctor know about this already”. No, no. I just brought a cup of my wee as a present. Please don’t spoil the surprise.
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
Ninety-five percent of my new follows are beautiful Russian women, which tells me one thing. I’ve still got it!
I bought some coconut shampoo today.
I got halfway home before I thought, “I dont even have a coconut!”
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
Don’t frighten the programmers!
