So you heard that after I won several cuts from the butchers in a card game, I got back home to the farm to find out that one of my female sheep was questioning the existence of tropical cyclones, and you want to know if its true?
Well that’s four meat Uno, and ewe typhoon doubt.
apparently this year was written by stephen king
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
The One that Got Away… a memoir of a french fry lost in a crevice beside the driver’s seat and the aroma that made it impossible to forget.
No president next term. America needs to be single for a while to focus on herself.
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
every time i talk it sounds like it’s my first time trying to speak
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
Wolves are just dogs that nobody has called a “good boy” yet.
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
Spices were first brought to Western Europe in the Middle Ages. Some of them are still at the back of my cupboard
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
