My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
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Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
Spell check is for lasers.
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*