I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
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Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
Saturday
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here