“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
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Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
I’m confused about plants
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
I used to eat my feelings but now it’s so expensive I might as well go to therapy
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?