Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere

My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.

[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.

me: one Big Mac with no cherries

cashier: cherries?

me: no thanks

Dear Tech Support,

I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?

For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.

Hey I just met you…

And this is Crazy…

But this is a nice restaurant…

So, Silence your baby!

Me: I’ll drink to that!

Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”

What rhymes with ‘riddance’? I need to get this Bereavement card perfect.

20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys

“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”

Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday

Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.

A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

Me: I was going too fast?

Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze

Me: [eats ice cream slower]

It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal. 

Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave

“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”

<person doesn’t move an inch>

“Thanks”

Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?

[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]

Me: It was just time for a change.

Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me

[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry

4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?

me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize

4: no

Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.

[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care

Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.

“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?

*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings

friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back

me: oh wow me too

[meanwhile]

Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7

Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?

Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there

Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.