Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what

My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her

moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”

my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse

I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.

Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.

Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount

My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.

You’re not my real can

Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.

“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*

[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]

GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry

ME: It’s fine, go on

GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later

If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.

Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.

Cause I think it does.

My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.

When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.

[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]

Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?

Me: What’s your name please?

Customer: Hal

Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?

Customer: Harold

Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah

Boss: Could you ever just don’t?

good for her

TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS

*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick

[holding a séance]

“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”

One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators

I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.

Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.

I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car

When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.

It’s hard to tell from this tree.

I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.

I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!

But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.

Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.