“So you met the victim on tinder”
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*

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[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”


What I do have are a very particular set of skills, skills I have adquired over a….

*Accidentally drops cell phone on the toilet*


When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”


HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble

ME: that’s ridictacular


Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.


“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers


If I ever have a heart attack, I’m deleting my internet history before I call an ambulance. Better safe than sorry.


[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry