@DanMentos

“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*

You Might Also Like

@Fred_Delicious

[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”

@gianni_bcn

What I do have are a very particular set of skills, skills I have adquired over a….

*Accidentally drops cell phone on the toilet*

@iAmDelFreaky

When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”

@AndyAsAdjective

HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble

ME: that’s ridictacular

@buck4itt

Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.

@JustCallMeC_

“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers

@Schmoodles

If I ever have a heart attack, I’m deleting my internet history before I call an ambulance. Better safe than sorry.

@Dawn_M_

[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry