“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
“So you met the victim on tinder”
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
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What I do have are a very particular set of skills, skills I have adquired over a….
*Accidentally drops cell phone on the toilet*
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
If I ever have a heart attack, I’m deleting my internet history before I call an ambulance. Better safe than sorry.
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk