Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone

One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”

if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done

Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days

If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college

I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….

Maybe just one…

My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about

In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.

Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams

Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop

If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.

Science.

Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it

If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.

man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot

me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake

man: and her body has been stolen

me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take

man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin

me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake

Me: this pot sucks

Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast

Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”

I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.

I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill

You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.

A scary book should be called a boOoOok.

When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.

[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind

Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…

Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.

CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well said

FRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?

I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.

If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.

What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted

why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:

i am home.
if you knock

and the book is $49.99

My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.

My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?

Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to