So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
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I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
“Yes, but what if 9 pregnant women could produce a baby in 1 month?”
-More or less every project manager I’ve ever worked for
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.