So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
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Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
My rabbit stew is now cold because my neighbour came to the door with some sob story about his kid’s missing pet.
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
respect
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died