“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
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*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
If you’re over 60, don’t shovel snow
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
I visited one of those so-called “wind farms” recently. Virtually no wind being produced. If anything, it was using up the wind that was already there. Complete waste of time.
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”