“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
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Wife: Did you hear what I said?
Me: No, I was in a different room.
Wife: If you couldn’t hear me, why did you let me keep talking?
Me: …
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
what do you want!!!!!!!!
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
Don’t talk down to me
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
Please join me in a moment of silence for the wasabi almond that just rolled under my fridge. Godspeed, little buddy. We shall meet again when it’s time to get a new refrigerator and not a moment sooner. Give my best to your new blueberry friends.
never trust a guy who wants you to try out for a boy band in a motel off the jersey turnpike.
i know this now.
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.