“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
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I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
When I was in elementary school, a boy told me he liked me right before smashing his pb&j in my face, and I have been chasing that high ever since
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
I just smiled to everyone I invited over to watch football as I turned it off and started the puppet show.
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
My mind is like someone dumped the entire junk drawer on a trampoline
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
If I ignore life will it go away?
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.