“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
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Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
“Keep pouring, Ann. You’re not gonna BELIEVE what your dog did today.”
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
The Wolf of Wall Street.
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel