So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
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Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
to the people who put antlers & a nose on their car for xmas
u cant trick me .. i know its a car
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
I don’t make the rules sorry
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
i don’t understand the parking brake in my car, like when does my car need to be “more” parked than it is