Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.

I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer

The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.

Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.

The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.

I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..

I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.

Compromise.

When I die, I want my remains to be scattered at COSTCO. Also, I don’t want to be cremated

ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break

If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.

You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.

Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.

You deplete me

I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.

Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left

I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.

Only the dog is happy about this.

My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.

I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.

Just kidding.

I moved the damn towel.

Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over

Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.

My 7yo told me that her friend Michael said the S-word. When I asked which Michael she replied with, “not Michael Jordan.” Ah, okay, it must be the Michael from school.

Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.

*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE

This is the final season of Young Sheldon.

I hope they don’t kill him off.

Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?

I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”

My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.

To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?

Accidentally saying Yes I would like a receipt and having to wait half an hour while the kiln is heated and the tablet is fired

Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.

The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!