“So you walk, then walk some more. Sometimes there’s hills. Oh yeah and you have to say hi to absolutely everyone you see or else.” – Person that invented hiking
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Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
Shower sex be like:
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
When they ask “how was your weekend?” answer “better than yours” & maintain eye contact
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
my mother is staying with me for about a week, and i’m going to be honest, i didn’t even know the volume on my television went that high
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
you guys HAVE to try the golden retriever in springfield. it is soooo good
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…