“So you walk, then walk some more. Sometimes there’s hills. Oh yeah and you have to say hi to absolutely everyone you see or else.” – Person that invented hiking
You Might Also Like
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
putting a blanket over my boss so he thinks it’s night time and goes to sleep
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.