Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*

Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!

*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”

My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.

Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No

I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.

I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.

*Showing me a picture of your baby*

Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?

30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.

Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons

Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.

WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.

I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.

son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS

Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.

Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names

Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”

They didn’t like me very much.

[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*

My daughter’s throat is so sore she can’t talk, so we’re having her go around and kiss all the other kids

It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.

They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.

Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?

FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.

Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.

Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.

I’m never sure what to do with my hands while I’m holding up a convenience store.

them: how are you

you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal

NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks

Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?

Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with

astonishing how whenever you go to the post office the queue in front of you is made up almost entirely of people who appear to have ended up at the post office by accident, have in fact never visited a post office before, and have no idea what they want out of the experience

Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.

Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.

Me: And your point is…?

*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”