So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
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Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
I know this now 😂
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
New comic up. “Ransom”
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
Ain’t no way
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine