So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
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Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!