So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
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If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
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[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
Boss: What are you working on?
Me: Something I have limited time to finish.
Boss: Oh, okay. I’ll leave you to it, then.
Me: [goes back to Prime Day shopping]
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
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Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
The Snickerdoodle is the most sarcastic of the dog breeds
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.