Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.

I was like “what are you trying to say?”

Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.

Turns out he’s a great gift giver.

I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…

“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden

“Hi, I have an appoint-“

“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”

Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.

I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.

No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.

Ain’t no mountain high enough

Ain’t no valley low enough

Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough

To keep me from yooou

“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body

Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.

Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.

Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?

Me: Yes

Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-

Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel

Her: what

In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”

My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.

fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired

for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping

“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo

With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line

Together, I can beat schizophrenia.

“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”

I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.

“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.

SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman

ME: there is no bogeyman honey

SON: he’s not real?

ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago

SON:

ME: there was so much blood

SON:

ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer

Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.

If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.

“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said

So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.

I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions

Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?

My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.