Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.

Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.

My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant

I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?

You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened

I painted a hot chick with big jugs

You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.

Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.

Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.

Me: *they’re.

*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*

*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*

*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*

hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me

me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want

me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah

WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?

Me: [Making an alarmingly bad decision after making a lot of good choices for a while] treat yourself

[fire]

EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.

We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.

“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”

– Vader & therapist

As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.

LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash

If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question

A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.

Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.

It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today

consequences, the bane of my existence

Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog

Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.

Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.

[first day as Uber driver]

ME: Are you Keith?

Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:

Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!

Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*

Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution

Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.

Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶

Death Row inmate: how did you get in here