“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
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Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
The Book. The Movie.
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
my mother smoked while she was pregnant with me so i’m like basically bbq
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness