“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
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[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
[spotify ai voice] ayo it’s ya dj, x. comin up, i’m gonna play you some music that sucks
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
hand it over!
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go