“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
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Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
mood
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.