@Amusitr0n

“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’

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@Peauxtassium

My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.

@Divergentmama

This week I’ve learned no one was washing their hands, people think toilet paper prevents viruses and some of you have VERY strong feelings about the potato button on your microwave.

We’re all going to die, aren’t we?

@DrDogMD

PATIENT: Since I got this new job my feet are killing me.
DR DOG: What’s your job?
PATIENT: Mailman
DR DOG: *chases him out of room barking*

@Sassafrantz

[texting]
ex: your friends were looking at me really strange at the game.

me: yeah well I told them you died in a hot air balloon accident.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.

@iwearaonesie

*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*

@crunchenhanced

My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….

Google Earth says everything is just fine.

@TechnicallyRon

The Mens Rights subreddit did a poll to show how diverses their users are. They are 80% Single, white, 18-24, american males. HAHAHAHAHAHA

@bourgeoisalien

[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]