Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”

[Speed date]

Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT

I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”

Watson was Holmes schooled

Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh

Son: what are those wrinkles

Me: crows feet

Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you

Me:

Pretty much! 😂👀

I need to get some bricks…

Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.

I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.

I’ve just taken a tablet that completely erases your memory of the last 24hrs.
What was I thinking?

I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.

Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie

I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.

Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂

Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.

Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector

This tweet is brought to you by Tesco

Believe me, I looked.

But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”

Me: Time heals all wounds.

Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.

Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”

Don’t take drugs… for granted.

Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh

Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.

me: I’m eating a new piece of cheese every day

them: is it for an advent calendar

me: no

*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN

Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.

Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.

A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.

My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.

Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.

I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.

Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?

Me: Not really, I’m stuffed

Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check

Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.